This New Year, This New Decade

With the new year fast approaching I recently told my son that I am enthusiastic to get my life together with the help of some good old fashioned new year's resolutions.  "You say that every year," he said.  "And then you just revert back to your usual self within a few days."

"But this year will be different," I said.  "This year I'm extra focused."

"That's what you always say," he said.

Maybe so, but I still think this year will really be different.   

You see, January 1, 2010 will not only be the first day of the new year but also the first day of the new decade.  Woohoo!  Sounds exciting, heh?  But seriously thinking about it, I have to ask myself why?  With that day fast approaching, I have to honestly ponder, why does it give me a shot of anticipatory enthusiasm?  

Is it because I will not only be able to make new year's resolutions but new decade's resolutions as well?  I mean, I want to change my life for the better and get closer to my true potential for sure, but why is it that the start of the calendar year always gives me added hope to do so?  Why couldn't I get the inspiration to better my life and turn over a new leaf at any arbitrary time?  How about Tuesday, December 22, for example?

Perhaps it's because we live our lives according to how we divide and measure time incrementally through the use of a calendar.  Or perhaps it's because all living beings are innately programmed to have a dose of energy for everything that resembles a new start.  Sayings like, "Start with a clean slate in the morning" always had a special appeal to me for some reason, like the dawn of a new day always brought me hope after a decent night's sleep.

This coming new decade has certainly made me think about how fast time is truly passing by in my life.  When the decade of the "ots," or whatever people will finally figure out to call it, started in the year 2000, I was 35-years-old.  No spring chicken no doubt, but as the decade ends and I stand at 45-years-old, it now sounds mighty young to me.  When this next decade ends and I clock in at 55 (if I'm still around by then), 45 will also sound whipper-snapper-ish for sure.  That being the case, I want to take full-advantage of my "youth" while I still can.  And no, I am not having a mid-life crisis.  I don't even know when mid-life will really is because I have no real idea how long I will actually live in this current body.  

Anyway, no matter how I analyze it, I am stoked about this new decade and really really really want to get my proverbial shit together in every possible way.  No need to get into the details, other than to say this pertains to every category of my life.  Will I be able to get it together?  Will my new found enthusiasm waver as it does every year- at least according to my son?  Or will this new year and new decade finally be the catalyst for lasting and positive change?

Hopefully, I won't be performing this same old song and dance when I'm 55.  Hopefully, I will really have some good momentum by then and feeling even better than I did when I was 35, or even 25 for that matter.  What I mean to say is, time will really be running out by then to make any major improvements.  Of course, when and if I get there, there will be somebody older telling me how young I really am.  Whatever the case, there's no better time to realize that the time is now.

It's Very Safe Riding With Me- Even When I Multi-Task

 

 

As I was driving home last night from Miami at rather high speeds, I was thinking.  You know,  I'm one of those guys who is against texting and driving for other people but think it is okay for myself.  Call me arrogant, puffed-up, overly sure of myself or whatever, but I just can't help myself.  My mind is way too restless and I am very confident that I am quite capable of doing it without any ill results.  I also Facebook, eat, talk on the phone, floss my teeth (not really) and even occasionally read (really, but very very carefully).  Sometimes I drive with my knees, so my hands are free for other important tasks, like air guitar or some other such imperative activity while listening to music at very high volumes.  Sometimes, I may close my eyes (for the shortest amount of time) to get into the lyrics more.  The lyrics are very important to me.

Once in a while, I even sleep with one eye shut and the other one as much as half-opened.  I only do this because I've heard how rest is so important for your health and I'm all about that.  I'd say I've easily driven at least one million miles in my life and still have not caused even one incident, what to speak of an accident.  Don't say that there's always a first time because that is one of the most inaccurate cliches of all time.  Is there always a first time to get Aids? How about skiing through a revolving door?  No.  You know why?  Because not everyone gets Aids or  skis through a revolving door in their lifetime- that's why.  Besides, for me, driving for five hours or more at a time just seems like a big waste of time if I am not allowed to multi-task.  

Now that we have that out of the way, I don't want to see you doing any of the things that I do.  And I sternly warn you, if I see you doing it, I'll probably call the police on you.  You know why?  Because I don't trust that you're capable of it, and I'm very concerned with other people's safety.  Sure, I myself may wander off the road once in a while, but I have the reflexes of a cat and probably twice as many lives as one.  I have absolutely no proof that you do, though.  So don't ever say that you are willing to take over the driving while I get rest.  Do you really think I would be able to sleep with you at the wheel?  You, who are so lacking in confidence to multi-task while you're driving?  No way Jose.  I feel much safer with myself at the controls, thank you very much.

In fact, it's really so safe riding with me at the wheel, that I don't think there's any need to ever wear your seatbelt.  I would advise you to, though, just in case there's a blue moon out that night and six or seven cars simultaneously make a mistake, and I'm only able to dodge all but one of them.  But don't worry, as you have probably surmised by now, I'm also a prudent guy and safety is definitely a serious issue for me.

The Serenity Prayer, Being Here Now, and Wading in the Cesspool

Yesterday, I ran over some glass and noticed a couple chunks of rubber missing from the side of my front passenger tire.  The tire is only a month or so old.  The one it replaced exploded while I was driving down I-75 a month ago.  I'm going to leave Miami around 4 pm today and hope everything will be okay during my long return back to Gainesville.

I haven't written any blogs for some time now.  My writing has mostly been feeble attempts at poetry.  I guess people live their lives in cycles, and now that I have a little time, I would like to express myself in more of a diary form.  

I don't even know what to say to describe the way I have been feeling lately.  I think one's emotional life is important enough to dedicate some words to because it is directly connected to the quality of one's overall life.  I think my basic problem is not accepting what I have to accept.  In other words, everyone has things to do in routine life that they have to do.  Not accepting doesn't just mean refusing to do it, but can also mean not putting forth one's best effort or being lethargic or unenthusiastic about it.  It can mean failing to focus and thus doing a shoddy job.  It could mean one's mind is in another place.  That one is mentally rewinding or fast-forwarding too much because they don't want to be there.  

There are a lot of causes for this phenomena, and it kind of smacks in the face of the famous serenity prayer, which of course requests god to grant the petitioner the strength to change the things one can, accept the things one can't and the wisdom to know the difference.  Sometimes we have the knowledge, but out of stubborn foolishness we don't concede.  Sometimes, we don't know what we can or cannot change and we sit in a stupor of limbo, not appreciating the life around us at the moment.  Other times, we mistake what we can change for what we cannot and surrender to the inertia as real opportunities pass us by.  Still, at other times, we have a "never say die attitude" for a lost cause and never move on with our lives.

I don't know which of the above negative stances has been affecting me more lately, but I suspect they are all acting on me to one degree or another.  The result is probably that I lack appreciation and gratitude for the situations I am being given and thus am failing to "be here now," as the saying goes.  If I was honest, I would have to admit that in nearly every category of my life, I feel like I am barely getting by and doing a sub-par job in the process, I might add.  How can you do your best job at anything if your mind is always somewhere else?

Procrastination has shown it's ugly face more than ever in my life this last month.  As the beginning of a new month is just about here, I feel it is imperative that I get my proverbial act together and start focusing on the things that I can to make my life better, as well as all the people who I have some peripheral influence on, in at least some small way.

Without getting into the details that make a piece of writing so much more interesting (sorry readers), I want to get the hell out of this current rut and start living my life again the way I am used to living it.  If it takes clawing my way out of whatever hole I'm in, then I am committed to doing it.  I have a number of ambitious plans on the agenda and I'm not going to get anywhere with them while wading in the cesspool.  Details and positive updates to hopefully follow...

Changing Times

I've got a lot of different accounts that are protected by various user names and passwords.  There is my ATM card, my credit cards, online banking accounts, my cable company, my Facebook and MySpace accounts, several email accounts, school accounts, etc, etc.  As it has been said so many times before (my way for apologizing for the cliche´that I'm about to write), the list goes on and on.  Despite all of the above, and I could list many more, I somehow can remember all my different user names and passwords off the top of my head, although sometimes it takes a little while if I have not utilized them for some time.  It's really a crazy world that we live in.  It's got me spinning around a little.

When I was growing up,  life was not that complicated.  We didn't have all these various accounts that could be accessed online with all these secret codes.  Nor, of course, did we have all of the technology of today.  Let's see, if I drifted back to when I was about eight-years-old, to the year 1972, for example, what could I remember about then?  I may be exaggerating but I swear that simple calculators were the size of toaster ovens and cost about $500.  There were no video games- not even in the arcades.  Pinball machines were the thing.  Cable TV did not really exist until a few years later.  Goal posts in the NFL were at the goal line and there was no such thing as overtime.  There were no fax machines, or mobile phones.  No VCRs or DVD players.  No cruise control or even micro wave ovens.  We didn't get ours until around 1976 and it was considered newfangled and space-age, man.   Still, somehow we thought things were really advanced with trash compacters and window air conditioning and whatever other new thing someone had recently obtained on the block.    

I remember when it was a big thing to get a hotel room with a phone and a color TV in it.  Or should I say motel room?

As kids, it seemed we had more freedom also.  Before I turned ten, I would regularly disappear with my brother and friends all day and come back around nine at night with not even a phone call in between.  My parents had no idea where we were but that seemed to be the norm back then.  If some kid's parents expected them to call, we thought they were very strict.  Sometimes we would drive for miles on our bikes and no one would bat an eye.  

These days, either it has become a more dangerous world or there is just more media attention in that regard.  Whatever the case, parents are far more protective of their children than they used to be.  While I think there's good reason for that, I also think that kids growing up today do not experience that same sort of adventure and freedom that kids of my generation experienced.

Back to how life has become so complicated.  Sometimes I think I should write all the login information down but experts warn you not to do that.  I could give every account the same user name and password but experts warn you not to do that too.  In essence, they expect you do have all these different letters and numbers in your head without writing them down.  As you get older, I suspect it will be a little harder, although I have not experienced that yet...I think.

Anyway, I haven't written for awhile and in my return I'm rambling but I think there is a point to all of this.  Life is different than it used to be.  It didn't happen overnight but it kind of gradually just crept up on me.  I'm okay with it.  I'm not a super-fast texter or computer aficionado or anything but I don't really care how much society changes.  I like the way things used to be to a large extent and I like the way things are now to a large extent as well.  There are certain things I could do without in both eras but I don't really care that much to tell you the truth.

The main thing is that I understand through all these changes I have essentially stayed the same person.  My viewpoint may be a little different and the cells of my body have completely changed several times over but I'm still me.  Just recently, I was thinking of my many childhood memories before I turned five and not just thinking about the events but what my consciousness was like then.  I didn't think about things like sex or death like I do now but the person inside that little body was still me,  somewhere in there.  And I guess I will go on being me even with the changes that are to come.  For example, vinyl records were the thing back then, but then came 8-tracks, cassettes and cds.  Now it's pretty much digital music.  But it's still music.  

I suspect I'll see some more changes in the upcoming years, in fact I'm sure I will.  They will be so gradual that I won't notice so much but when I look back, it will be like, whew, remember that?  Time really has passed!  Yes, time passes and things change but I have remained the same, essentially.  Logically, I also conclude that I will somehow exist after the big change for me, the death of my current body.  Don't know where I will be after this lifetime but I'm pretty sure I'll be somewhere, in some land where changes are still taking place.  Of course, I'd like to go to a place with a little more security and continuity but that discussion is for another place and another time.  I hear you have to gradually qualify yourself to go to a place like that.

My Continuing Edumacation

I've been on the road now for a little over a month and have gained three pounds.  When I started on my diet/exercise regimen in February, I weighed in at a whopping 249 pounds.  Looking at the pictures now, I don't know how people could even stand being around me.  I was Gargantuant.  I certainly cringe to look at those photos now.   I guess they liked my personality or something.  In just three months, I was able, through diligence and hard work, to shed 43 pounds and get down to a more respectable 206.  Admittedly, the rigors of the road and traveling with an even more enthusiastic eater, have been a bad influence on my regimen.  It seems almost every time I want to eat more healthy, the man is stressing cheese.  Despite that fact, I'm happy traveling with Dhrits because he's such an easy-going, interesting and entertaining person.  I just need to be more personally willful.  Weighing in at 209 pounds is all right for now but it is not something I am happy with long-term.

Now, if you have looked at my daily pictures, with all the restaurants documented that we have visited as posted on Facebook, you would probably be surprised that I have only gained three pounds.  I certainly was when I stepped on the scale this morning.  I seriously thought that perhaps I had gained somewhere in the vicinity of 15 or 20.  But considering the fact that I was hitting the treadmill semi-regularly in the first two weeks and I still do my fair share of walking, I have been able to slow my growth-poundage-rate down.  Also, I think my metabolism has sped up from all the regular running and weight-lifting I was doing before this trip commenced.

I am now determined to get more serious again.  All is not lost and I am a man who has been always able to bounce back from adversity.  Double Garga-Power!

This coming Monday, I will finish my Meteorology online class and be only one more class away from being able to graduate from Santa Fe College.  Hopefully, by August I will be done with my Genetics class and clear the way to enter Journalism College at UF in the fall.  I was not able to register for classes in time to take a Photo Journalism class this coming fall but I'll be sure to be on my toes to get into one in the Spring of 2010.  I love carrying the camera with me and plan to buy a digital SLR before I go to L.A. in late July for Kuli Mela and Ratha Yatra.  All work and no play makes Gargs a bored boy so I have decided to go to the West Coast for a week's vacation or so.  You know, see some old friends, good for the soul.  I'll be traveling with Glani, Govinda, Shyam, Radha and Vrn at various times during the trip.  Shyam, Radha and Vrn have never been there before so it will be fun to see their happy faces taking in new places.  To take a few days off and hang out at the Ratha Yatra after-party and walk around Manhattan was also good for my soul.  I have to say, I'm much more of a city person than a country person.  I mean, I appreciate the country but I really like social and cultural stimulation.  

I'm trying to strike a balance between work and play.  Actually, I'm one of those guys who shoots for work being a pleasure.  In mu mind I'm always pulling for pleasure.  After all, that's the natural state of the soul.  Hopefully, that will become a reality for me more and more in the upcoming chapters of my life.  I think my continuing edumacation is key.

Temple Gargectdotes Part 1

Once in the mid-80's, I was reading synonyms for the word stupid out loud from a thesaurus to Dheera and Rom Roy while sitting in the temple president's office.  We were in a giddy mood and my friends started laughing hysterically.  For some reason, words like lame-brain, imbecilic, out-to-lunch, nincompoop and moron seemed particularly funny that day, I don't know why.  Anyway, as I kept reading, they kept laughing louder and louder.  Finally, Dheera fell off his chair, and rolled on the floor holding his side and screaming with water coming out of his eyes.  It was therefore sobering when Vijitatma appeared at the threshold, Bhagatavatam volume in hand and a grave look in his eyes.  "What's all the noise about?" he asked.  "Gargs is reading from the thesaurus for the word stupid," Dheera said, his laugh petering off.  "You should hear some of these."  "Do you Prabhus realize that I'm trying to read the Bhagavatam in there?" Vijitatma said pointing to the guest room, "And you guys are in here making nonsense noise like frogs simply attracting the snake of death."  Surprised, Rom Roy meekly responded "I thought we were just having some good clean fun."

Bhakta Steve Pitts was frequently seen around the Boston temple in the early 80's.  Steve was a nice enough guy from Derry, New Hampshire who had a bit of a hunch back and talked out of the side of his mouth.  People thought he looked a lot like Popeye.  He had been around ISKCON since the mid-seventies and regularly reminded the new devotees about it.  "Prabhu, I've been around this movement a lonnggg time," he often said.  "Way back to the days of Nityananda in New Talavan."  Then he would look into your eyes quite seriously, pause and say, "I've got some free advice for guys just starting out like yourself:  You keep your mouth closed and your ears open and you'll find out who your friends are."  On another occasion, I heard him giving some similar advice to week-long member Bhakta Breton after his usual New Talavan preamble, "Don't do any service for the senior devotees.  You're in this for yourself."

Steve, in case you haven't figured it out by now, wasn't exactly all there.  He had drank paint-thinner recreationally before he joined, albeit in low doses.  "I knew what I was doing," he said.

Once, during japa period, my brother Kesi and I were sitting against the temple wall chanting as Steve paced by us, walking around the temple room floor again and again.  When he was almost in front of us, he stopped and shook his head violently, vibrating his lips and making a high-pitched wailing noise.  Kesi and I looked at each other and tried our best to contain our laughter.  When he came around again and did it for the second time my brother asked him.  "What was that, Steve?"  "Symptoms of ecstasy, Prabhu," he answered in a most serious manner. "Symp-toms of ecs-tasy."  

My Current Funk

The road has the potential of making an animal out of you.  Long distance driving, followed by work and then figuring out the basic necessities of life.   Solving the food problem everyday, for example, is one such dilemma.  Where should we go today?  Not pizza again.  Chinese sounds okay.  Italian would be cool but all that bread at night.  It gets Garg-xhausting. Life has also been an endless stream of checking in and out of hotels, packing and unpacking, and missing my life lately.  I have school work to do and I'm often so tired that I put it off to the last minute.  It takes me a while to wind down at night and my brain is not functioning properly enough to do any real challenging thinking.  In the morning, I vegetate in bed for some time until I finally get the ball rolling and do something productive.  The most disappointing thing for me has been my lack of hitting the gym out here.  I've only done it about four times in ten days.  I have to get back on the ball and not let things spiral out of control.  I do get exercise when I'm working but all the stopping and going is not the same.  I've been only out here for ten days, man but it feels like it's been months.

As I eluded to before, one problem is, after I work hard all day, I want some kind of reward in the form of eating.  It is not easy to not eat at night out here.  There are a lot of good veggie-restaurants for sure.  The formula is one for potential disaster.  A possible reversal of all these months that I've worked hard to attain- namely my loss of 43 pounds prior to this trip looms in the precarious future.  So far, I haven't gained any weight out here but I know I am losing my momentum a little.  I can't let an occasional fall off the wagon make me discouraged and give up my goals in this connection, though.  Intermittent lack of strictness has to be factored into my life and I have to allow myself failure sometimes.  Two steps forward and one step back is perfectly acceptable.  Even one step forward and one step back is passable when you are trying to survive out on the road.

Today, we are in the Philadelphia area.  Sunday we were in Hartford.  Before that we were in Baltimore, D.C. , Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Baltimore and D.C., in that order.  Dhrits and I get along fine.  I do the driving because I feel comfortable with it.  I know my way around up here and I've driven a few million miles in my life.  I'm very good at it.  Dhrits is older. He'll be 58 in a few days but he still has a lot of energy, considering his age and girth.  He is pretty funny too.  For the most part he is easy-going and laid back.  He is content if he gets the remote in the hotel room.  I'm not interested in it.  I will be interested when the new episodes of True Blood start in mid-June, though.  He watches the NBA playoffs, which I am happy with on in the background while I write.  I would be just as happy with classic movies but I don't care so much what's on.  I adjust myself according to who I'm with.  He makes a lot of political commentary.  He is very anti-Republican, which is a-okay with me.  Every time he starts watching Fox News for a second he says, "I'm not going to watch this and increase their ratings," and then suddenly changes the channel.  When I told him we have to be part of the Nielson ratings to matter, he just shrugs it off.  By the way, I am in love with the Democratic party by any means,  but hey, nothing is perfect in the material world.

Right now I have a B-average in Genetics and an A-average in Meteorology.  I've fallen behind a little in Meteorology but the professor understands and has cut me a little slack.  It is a Summer-A course, so it is jammed packed with work considering it only lasts six weeks. Each exercise lasts several hours. I'm not a science guy, so it is not something I look forward to doing several times a week.  As I said, I'm often very tired after the activities of the day, so surrendering to science exercises is not something I get ramped up about.  I have to catch up on that stuff today, as some papers are due in a day and it looks like we'll either be traveling to the Buffalo area or Saratoga Springs tomorrow.  Either way, it's a long haul.  It's suppose to rain for the next few days, so we bought about 120 ponchos each to sell in case of that eventuality.  

When I was regularly writing this blog, I think it was more interesting because it was filled more with daily anecdotes.  I fear it is becoming a bit of a boring cursory overview about how I feel at any particular moment concerning the last week of activities.  In short, devoid of details, I dread that I'm losing my edge.  I need to re-sharpen myself and shake things up a bit.  I must snap out of my current funk.

Summer Trip Begins

Dhrits and I have been on the road since Friday.  For three nights in a row I only was able to get three hours sleep or so.  On Friday, I drove for about twelve hours and we stayed in Richmond.  On Saturday morning, we arrived at RKF Stadium in Washington D.C. and was able to work about three hours or so.  That day, we ate at one of my favorite vegetarian restaurants located in Rockville, Maryland called the Vegetable Garden.   I got the "Chicken" Curry, some "Chicken" Drumsticks,  wonton soup and a spring roll.  Later that day, we rolled into West Chester, Pennsylvania, where we stayed at a Holiday Inn for two nights.  We almost always stay at Holiday Inn's because we get half-off the normal rates with my iata card.  For example, in Richmond we paid $49, in West Chester we paid $57 and in Pittsburgh we are paying $44 a night.  

We arrived in Camden, N.J. on Sunday morning and got to the show early.  Although we arrived at 9 a.m., people didn't start getting to the concert until around 11.  The good thing about it was we were able to sneak into the lot and park for free.  The bad thing is we had to wait around for a few hours.  It was cold outside, in the 40's early on with a stiff chilly wind from the North. Reminded me of my childhood in Connecticut.   I dozed off in the car and tried to catch up with my sleep for an hour or so.  I woke up and changed into long pants so I didn't chill right to my bones.

With the weight loss has come less cushion on my butt which now starts to hurt after long rides.  I especially felt it on the first day.  One of the few pitfalls of losing weight, I guess.  The first couple of nights I hit the treadmill.  I was so tired Saturday night that I actually dozed off while running five mph, albeit for a split second.  Another split second and I may have been thrown across the room.  Maintaining my exercise regimen is important to me, so I have to keep it up no matter how tired I am.  The problem is so much driving, working and online schooling can keep me from getting into the ambitious mood that is neccessary to amintain my regimen.  I watched the Celtics lose game seven yesterday when I could have been running.  Now that they're out of it, I don't think the television will occupy my time very much anymore.  I generally just let Dhrits have the remote in the hotels and occupy myself with other things, the computer among them.  He seems perfectly content with the remote in his hands.

We rented a full size car at $32 a day.  It's a Hynudai Sonanta.  I didn't want to put so much wear and tear on my car anyway.  It works out for Radha because now she has my Yaris to drive during the summer.  It has good pickup and more room but of course not as good gas mileage.  My Yaris gets almost 40 miles per gallon.  

Today we drove to Pittsburgh.  I always liked the look of this working-class city.  It is very hilly with three rivers going through it.  It looks old and industrial but not overly dirty, with brick and stone buildings interspersed with sky scrapers from decades past.  The streets are narrow downtown.  One section of the area that I like and remember from about five years ago is an area called Shady Side, which has some half-way decent restaurants and historic buildings.  Glani, Vinode, Mahananada and I ate at a nice Thai, Indian and Middle Eastern restaurants when we were there then.   Dhrits and I are going to the Bruce Springsteen concert tomorrow and then driving to D.C. on Wednesday for the Coldplay concert on Thursday.  The drive is about 250 miles.  

I have some interesting, and in my mind humorous stories to tell in my upcoming blogs but am too tired now to relate them sufficiently now.  Stay tuned.

Northeast Here I Come, Diving Through Glass, and Peter Parker and Mary Jane

I leave for the Northeast on Friday.  That leaves me basically four days to get my act together.  I signed up for my fall classes at UF last night and tweaked it this morning.  Because I didn't get notice of my acceptance until late in the game, there were many classes I wanted to take that I couldn't due to them being all filled up.  Oh, well.  I'll be on the ball next time.  I chose core classes for Journalism plus a mandatory Economics class.  I'm pondering the idea of going for a double major.  I'm interested in English but may go for Political Science or History along with Journalism so I will not be perceived as a one-trick pony when I go looking for a decent job.  

I'm now down to 206 pounds, which means I lost another pound in the last four or five days.  I want to keep the weight loss going throughout the summer even if it is at a slightly slower pace. I plan to drive to D.C. all day on Friday and then hit Philadelphia on Saturday.  After that, I may go to Pittsburgh, then back to the Baltimore-D.C. area and then on up to my home state of Connecticut.  And so the zig-zagging will go on for the better part of three months.  Dhrits told me today he's pumped.  I don't want to go but in life you have to do what you have to do and you might as well make the best of it while you do it. 

I'm starting two summer online classes to finish up my AA degree at Santa Fe tomorrow. Animal Behavior and Meteorology- it should be a blast to study in-between long hours of driving and hard work in the summer sun.  Every day, I try to smile and laugh at least once every waking hour.  Otherwise, I'm wasting my time.  No matter what I must go through in life, I have found that one gesture to myself makes life inexorably better than it would be otherwise. Generally, I also find that things I dread are unfailingly never as bad as my mind makes them out to be.  That's why I find Nike's motto of "Just do it," not only corny but incredibly true.  I have a scar on my arm in the shape of the Nike symbol.  Once, when my brother was seven and I was eight, he ran out in the rain to get something from our Dad's truck in his underwear.  "That was really fast," our father said.  "Oh yeah," I said, also in my white briefs, "I'm faster."  "Why don't you guys race?" our father said.  And so we did, to the stone wall across the lawn and back to the door.  The race was tight, so I dove head first through the glass window at the end in an attempt to win.  The dive didn't win it for me but it was a tie and that's when I cut my arm into the Nike symbol.  In my mind, I wanted a rematch but I was bleeding too much.

I just got sucked into watching Spiderman while flipping around the channels. I have to admit, it's a good movie.  I always hated when girls like Mary Jane went out with losers like Harry Osborn instead of someone like Peter Parker, who is so much the better man.  Similarly, in school as a teenager, it never ceased to amaze me when girls I liked were interested in certain other boys instead of me.  I knew who the boys they were interested in really were and felt like Joe Jackson in the song, "Is she really going out with him?" Then I would think, well if they're that stupid, then maybe I don't want to go out with them anyway. Perhaps, I thought, girls wanted boys to compete for them.  For me, that was a big turn-off.  I had an ego and felt if I wasn't recognized as being obviously superior, then the prospective girl wasn't worth my time.  "You never made a move," Harry later said to Peter.  Peter felt bad but accepted his fate of a lost opportunity.  Whatever the case, I like Peter's attitude when he finds out about Mary Jane and Harry in the first Spiderman movie- he's a little sad but keeps his head up with a positive attitude.  Neither does he judge her like I probably would have at his age. 

Shyam went to New Vrndavana for the Festival of Inspiration.  Radha is not staying over here for the first time in months.  She visited her mother for Mother's Day.  I watched the Celtics win on a last second shot by Big baby Glenn Davis with Govinda while he typed his resume for an internship in architecture.  The house now seems empty now but soon I'll be out on the road and miss even the luxury of this emptiness.  

No More Science and Math... At Least Relatively Soon

It's Wednesday but it feels like Sunday.  Such is life during vacation.  Vacation, what vacation?  I can't relate very much.  But hey, I got into UF Journalism College.  Ho-rah! I just found out yesterday.  It felt good for a few minutes.  I yelled rather loudly when I saw it online.  My daughter came in annoyed as usual but then actually smiled when she heard the news.  I have orientation on Friday.  I still have to pass my CLAST test for Math in order to get my AA, as well as take two online Science classes over the summer.  I'm taking Animal Behavior and Meteorology.  They sound interesting enough.  One of the classes I know the teacher but the other, God help me.  It's all a crap shoot.  He didn't get very good ratemyprofessor.com ratings but I didn't have much choice.  It's all academic now, though... at least I hope.  Imagine if I had failed one of my classes.  I came pretty close on two of them.  Still, my GPA remains at a respectable 3.61 and I am in.  After this CLAST test, no more Math in this lifetime except for the only thing I'll ever need anyway- day to day arithmetic.  You know, like how many seconds do I have before this avalanche buries me or will I have enough cash to pay for this stuff when I get to the cash register and shit like that.  After these two science classes, no more science this lifetime either.  Thank the good Lord of everything that is holy, unholy, in-between, attractive and repulsive.  No more Science and Math.  Good bye, good riddance and good luck.

Yeah, what vacation?  I've got to study for this CLAST test and I set sail for the green pastures of the Northeast on May 13th.  I'll be working my ass off and I won't be back until school starts on my birthday- August 24th.  I've got some more things to do in-between-time like a ton of paperwork.  I'm going to have to work for two days also during this upcoming weeklong "vacation."  Yippe.  

Shyam is showing me his poems every day and voraciously reading astrology books.  Sounds like he takes after someone I know, at least a little bit.  His poems are pretty good.  Very thoughtful.

I am still at 207 pounds.  Keep hitting the gym but have ate at night a couple of times.  My body doesn't like this eating at night stuff.  It feels dysfunctional when it does.  Must curb this habit before it's too late.

Turning Another Transitional Corner

Over the last nine days or so, I have only managed to lose one or two pounds.  My weight is now down to 207.  As I have been lifting weights right along, though, I think more muscle has been gained and more fat has fallen.  It's going slow right now but I think I'm doing all right, even if is at a slower pace.  Forty-two pounds lost altogether is not too shabby.  Playing basketball with Kesi at the gym has certainly made my exercise more interesting. Now, I'm getting a lot of comments from people that I look better.  It feels good but I must forge ahead. I'm going to buy some eight-pound weights to take with me on the road.  I will just have to do many more repetitions in the hotel rooms in order to keep the muscle mass from decreasing. I hope I don't make the places smell like a gymnasium.  Although, I don't think Dhrits will mind that much.  He's pretty easy-going, especially if I let him have the remote control.  Hitting the treadmills will be no problem but what I'm really afraid of is the calling of the veggie restaurants at night after a long day's work.  I'm going to bring a scale with me and keep my eyes on my weight like a boxer in training.

It now appears I will be leaving for the summer on the morning of May 13th.  I talked to Dhrits yesterday and he says he will be ready by then.  I think Nrshmadeva's appearance is on May 7th, and he really wants to stay for that.  He predicts a big feast.  That will give me time to get my books for the two classes I'm taking online during the summer and tie up whatever loose ends are still left dangling.  I have always become a little sentimental during this time, especially when the kids were younger.  A few tears would fall and then when the wheels started to roll I would adjust my consciousness.  I've had so many crazy adventures out on the road but hope that things will be relatively calm this time.  Either way, I will be blogging about my experiences.

My son Shyam wants me to leave the guitar so he can play during the summer, therefore I plan to buy another one to take with me out on the road.  Maybe I'll write enough songs to record an album worth of demos and have AV on vocals when I get back.  I think Shyam plans to visit Connecticut in the summer and I hope to see him there.  He played so great in the helping Alachua Real win the Division I Gainesville Adult Soccer League Final last week.  His skills are so refined, that when he has the ball, it is almost impossible to take it away from him.  He has such ease and confidence in his eyes when he plays and excels against grown men.  He likes soccer but I don't think he loves it.  If he loved it, then he could very well make a stab at the pros but that would take a ton of dedication.  Right now, he's too absorbed in reading all Prabhupada's books and getting at the meaning of life.  Also, he is writing poems everyday and showing them to me for feedback.  

Govinda finished his semester at UF architecture school and I haven't seen that much of him lately as he's been spending a lot of time with his girl friend.  He plans to continue his studies in Italy in the Fall of 2010.

Before I go out on the road, I have piles of paperwork to get through that I have been neglecting during the last semester.  Hridayananda Maharaja was kind enough to give us a few things from his house before he left, including a fax machine and bookshelves, which I now have in my office.  I bought a really cool-looking painting from Vrn that she finished only in half-an-hour and had in a school art show and hung it in the office also. She's multi-talented at art, design, acting and singing.  She's moving to the Big Apple in June to go to school and I think the painting will help me to remember all the good times we had with her over the years.  It's sad but life goes on and I'm sure she will do well in New York.  Radha is probably flying up with her for Ratha Yatra.  Radha is blossoming into such an awesome young woman.  She has a lot in common with me but would be hard pressed to admit it.  I love her attitude of fly-in-the -face rebellious attitude toward injustice and hypocrisy.  We generally go out somewhere together every day.  I have bonded with her more than ever these past couple of years.  She's also a talented artist but won't let me have any of her stuff.   I hope I can catch the Rath this year. There will be a big show to work on that day, so it will be a tough decision.  Kavi just flew up to Boston for a week.  That kid is always going somewhere.

Glani is taking Summer A classes through most of June.  She has two more semesters before she officially becomes a R.N.  She has completely recovered from the endometrial cancer of two years ago and has forged on with her aspirations.  

This last semester has been the hardest one yet for me.  I started out the semester with a 3.85 g.p.a. but know that will take a dip.  My main mistake was taking six classes.  I took them all so I could graduate after this semester but I splayed myself out in all of them and only managed one A, in American National Government.   For a guy used to getting straight A's,  this semester has given my false ego a big hit. I dropped Geology and Geology Lab because it was just way too much work.  More work than all my other classes combined.   That's why I'm taking two science classes online during the summer.  My College Algebra professor, Shelly Russell, told me I needed a 70 on my Final just to pass the course.  I was really slacking in that class and didn't study at all for the exam until about 10 p.m. the night before.  Radha, Vrn, Shyam and I all sat in the living room until about 3 a.m. cramming for our various tests the next day.  All of us were ramped up on caffeine except Shyam, who would study a little and then play guitar intermittently.  There was so much caffeine flowing that there was almost more talking than studying going on.  Fortunately, I was able to study the next day and somehow pulled off a 75 on the Final for a C in the class.  It was the most joyous C  I have ever received in my life. I was hootin' and hollering and bouncing off the walls when Radha read the email with the results to me. No more Algebra ever again, at least in this lifetime!  Radha got a 79 on the same Final and was able to pull off a B overall in the class.  I am still unaware as to what my final grades will be in Topics of Math and International Relations.  I will find out on Tuesday, supposedly.  I am on the border of passing or failing each of them as well.  I'm not proud of my procrastination this last semester but I guess it's an opportunity to live and learn.

A Brand New Waitress

I want to tell you a funny story.  Wednesday night we went out to eat at Bahn Thai, a restaurant we used to frequent on 13th Street when they served a massive vegetarian lunch buffet.  They didn't only serve veggie-fare but because the husband-wife-owner-tandem were vegetarian, they were very careful about separation of church and state, if you know what I mean.  The husband was the only cook and very meticulous about whoever helped him, therefore he generally cooked solo.  Some years ago, they stopped the lunch program and became an evening-only establishment.  They were becoming too old, the wife said, to keep up with the hard work.  Over time, Chop Stix became the oriental fare of choice for us and Bahn Thai was all but forgotten.  Anyway a funny thing happened to me there Wednesday night.  Not hilarious but I got a kick out of it.

Now, Gainesville is not a big place and if you go out to eat enough, you quickly run out of options. Philadelphia, for example, has at least a dozen pure vegetarian restaurants, Atlanta has a good handful also, and New York, forget about it.  Gainesville has got a couple that are pure veggie and several that are veggie-friendly.  Still, if you live in this town and go to school and work like I do, sometimes you don't want to cook when you're under the gun.  And this semester with six classes and all, it always seemed like I was under the gun.  For it's population, though, there is a decent list of places you can find vegetarian meals.  The only pure vegetarian places that I know of are The Book Lover's Cafe (next to Mother Earth on 13th Street) and The Green Mango (an Indian place run by a Hare Krishna Indian couple).  Other than that, you have to sort through the meat-also places and hope nothing dead ends up on your plate.  I'm okay with both Chop Stix and Bahn Thai because they are very conscious.  Chop Stix claims they have a separate veggie-only kitchen and Bahn Thai's owners are vegetarian.  Merlion, next to Chop Stix also serves vegan oriental fare.  In fact, they not only have a separate section in their menu for vegetarian meals but a whole separate vegetarian menu that you can get by request.  On University Avenue, there is Suci-To-Go, which used to be called Saigon Cafe, which serves some vegan Vietnamese dishes.  

As far as pizza goes, there are a few places that are veggie-friendly.  Leonardo's has a vegan pizza and multiple forms of veggie pies.  The Original Pizza Palace has a tempeh pizza.  Satchel's has many options and is an experience in and of itself with it's strong 1970's feel.  You can eat of the back of a vintage van or visit their Lightning Salvage store in the back, drink Coke out of a glass bottle and listen to a live band.  New York-Pizza Plus on 23rd Ave. and Main Street has got me dreaming of a white pizza, just like the ones I used to know.

Right across the street from Satchel's, is The Jones.  The Jones is a breakfasty-coffee diner with many veggie and vegan options, including scrambled tofu, fried potatoes and a plethora of veggie soups and sandwiches.  Topp, a block north of University Ave on Main Street, has long been a favorite of vegetarians in this town.  They feature sandwiches, fries, pasta and vegan desserts that are likely to knock your natural-fiber socks off.  There are also always the usual array of gyro and burrito places that will fill you up with their veggie fodder if you are in the right mood.  If you want italian, Carrabba's is okay, as is Fresco's in the same plaza.  Don't order the marinara in Carrabba's, though, it's got anchovies in it, unless of course, you don't mind the possibility of becoming a processed fish in your next life. 

Anyway, there are more places to go, no doubt, but the purpose of this blog was not not make an exhaustive list of all the vegetarian places in this youthful college town.  The purpose, don't worry I remember, was to tell a funny story about Bahn Thai.  There was this girl named Elizabeth who served us there Wednesday.  It was her first day and her anxious demeanor was cute.  I ordered a baked tempeh preparation with broccoli.  When she came to check on us, she asked, "How is that broccoli, it looks good?"  "Try one," I said.  "Really?" she asked hesitatingly.   "C'mon," I said, pushing the plate toward her.  "I haven't touched this side of it and I won't tell anybody."  "Okay, but please don't tell because I'll lose my job."  I couldn't believe she was actually going to do it.  She looked over her shoulder and then reached down and grasped a piece of my broccoli with three of her fingers and quickly brought it to her mouth.  "Mmmm, pretty good," she said.  We all started laughing.  I couldn't believe I got a waitress to eat from my plate.  It was awesome.

Garg the Groper?

A couple of days ago, I was glancing at the front page of the Independent Alligator and noticed an article about the UF groper being apprehended and charged with 31 counts of groping.  Each count, it said, could carry a maximum one-year sentence and $1,000 fine.  Apparently, the 22-year-old Indian student was telling women they had a bug on them of some kind and when they started freaking out about it, acting like he was going to brush it away, he groped them instead.  You can imagine my surprise when I looked at the caption under his picture and it read "Garg."  The student's name is Robin Garg.  My friends have had a big kick out of it the last couple of days.

My weight has remained at 209 pounds for almost a week.  It's frustrating but I have continued to hit the gym and know that muscle is still being added and fat is still being subtracted from the equation.  Yesterday, I played basketball with Kesi, Kavi and Radha.  I am amazed how my energy is up.  We played two games of Kesi and Kavi against Radha and I.  The first game they won but the second game, I hit nine three-point range shots in a row and we went up 9-2.  They closed it to within 9-8 and then I was able to will the last two baskets in through sheer hustle for the win.  This was an accomplishment considering Kavi and Kesi are both taller than me and Radha never plays basketball.  Kesi has three inches on me and considerable stronger than I but I was able to block one of his charts and I frequently won the rebound battle, battling in the middle with the two of them.  In the process, someone kneed me in the calf and I am still a little sore from it.  After two games, they all quit but I wanted to play more.  As they stood around and talked, I jumped on the treadmill for another 15 minutes and continued to work up a sweat.

I believe I am leaving for the summer around May 7th or so.  I have to concentrate on finals for now.  This has been the worst semester of my life, grade-wise.  Taking six classes really back-fired.  I came into this semester with a 3.85 grade point average.  As of now, I have one A and am tottering with 3 C's.  I had to drop two of my classes and will make them up online during the summer.  What a mistake I made taking on such a work load!  At some point, my mind shut off and I could not get beyond the mental barrier.  I was burnt out and half-dead but still tottering on academic life-support.  I am a little annoyed with UF because they requested to know where I was between 1982 and 1983.  That was 27-years-ago for God's sake.  I hand-delivered a letter saying I was traveling the country after I graduated from High School.  After I found out that a girl I know from my Journalism class last semester got into to the Journalism college already, I became a little concerned for myself, having not heard from them yet.  THe kicker is that she got a C in that class, whereas I got an A.  When I checked my status online, I found out that they never processed the hand-delivered letter I gave them.  I called and had it corrected but am afraid that their gaff may have spoiled my chances to get in this fall. "You traveled around the country and weren't gainfully employed?" the man asked.  "Are you sure that's all you want to put?"  "Make up a better-looking story for me if you want," I said.  I was 18-years-old for Christ sake!   Anyway, if I don't get in for the Fall, I will try for the Spring of 2010 and just make more money instead in the meantime.  After all, without money, a man's sense of self-prestige is pretty low.

I watched Oliver Stone's "W" yesterday and was mortified by the incompetence of America's commander-in-chief for eight years.  He was not only a spoiled rich kid but an ignorant buffoon as well who desperately tried to prove himself to Daddy.  What an embarrassment it was to have this guy representing my country when I traveled overseas.  I know there was a lot of poetic license taken in the movie but I cringe to think that there were enough dumb Americans to elect this guy for two-terms.  Oh my God.  It's as W. said himself, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me a second time, I won't get fooled again."

Creepy Estate Sale and Getting Under 210 pounds

 Last Saturday, my brother Kesi and I went to an estate sale in Dunellon that advertised record albums.  The man explained to Kesi on the phone that he had about 300 albums he wanted to get rid of for one price as his parents had just died.  When we got there, a skinny and wrinkled man who appeared to be in his sixties greeted us.  When we walked into his cigarette-smoke-reeked home, whose living room looked more like a Las Vegas yard sale replete with a 60's slot machine in the foyer, the man led us into a narrow walk-in closet in a nearby bedroom.  The albums were piled up on the floor and he looked at us and said, "It's the whole lot or nothing, fellas."  Kesi and I knelt down in the back of the closet, the man hovering over between us and the doorway.  The albums were in lousy condition and there were a lot of things I didn't care for.  Apparently, someone was a big John Denver fan, as we thumbed through at least 11 of his LPs.  I am a little claustrophobic, so having the guy watch our every move in the confines of the smoky closet was not pleasant.  Kesi and I worked together to see if we could find anything. "Make me an offer I can't refuse," the man said.  When Kesi looked up at the man, he had a look of shock in his eyes.  "What is that?" Kesi asked.  I was facing my brother and could see in his eyes that something strange was going on.  "Oh, I just put a wig on," the man said.  By the time I turned around, he had taken off an orange wig and placed it on a pile of other wigs and "women's" accessories on the closet shelf.  After a moment of awkward silence, Kesi tried to change the subject, "These 78's are made of shellac and break easy."  "I just take them outside and shoot them with my gun," the man said.  Immediately, I started imagining the guy pulling out a gun and calculating how I would take him down.  In my mind, I was grateful I had been working out for the last few months and figured since I was bigger, faster, stronger and younger than him, I would have a good chance to knock away his gun.  Later, Kesi said he was thinking the guy might step out quickly and lock us in the closet.  It was definitely a creepy feeling.  Soon, the bidding started.  We offered $10 and he countered with $25.  Eventually, we settled on $18.  He helped us load them into my car and we drove away, our lives still intact.  Then I started thinking, you never really know when and if you have just met a serial killer.

Later, Kesi and I split up the ones we wanted.  I ended up with Neil Young's Harvest, Ricky Nelson's Greatest Hits, an ELO record, some Burt Bacharach and a bunch of classical albums. We are going to sell the ones we didn't want to a local dealer.  There was also a signed album from the group Alabama from the early eighties which we will try to sell on ebay. 

I am done with my American Government class.  It ended early with an easy Final exam, more than one week before the other classes end.

The last four days have seemed excruciatingly tedious for me in the weight-loss department but I have been able to lose another two pounds.  Now I have officially lost 40 and have reached my goal of May 1st.  I wanted to  get down to 210 by the beginning of May and as of this morning, I am at 209.  Now I set my sights on 199.  It will be a real milestone because I will get under 200 pounds for the first time in nine years and I will have officially lost 50 pounds.  

Storms, Plath, The I-Ching, and More Weight Lost

Storms are interesting creatures.  Tension builds and builds in the atmosphere until it has to be released.  Then, when it does, there are some explosions and wind and things get pushed around a lot faster than they usually would.  But then peace returns and the birds are chirping as if nothing ever happened. Life goes on and nobody blinks an eye.  I don't know why I like dark skies in the early morning when there should be light.

I am about to go to the gym right now but thought I should say a small hello since I haven't written anything but poems for awhile.  Gonna ride through the tornado-potential-storm and hope the power stays on there.  It's a great feeling waking up lighter.  I'm down to 211 pounds now; that's 38 pounds down and 46 to go.  My short-term goal was 210 pounds by May 1st. Almost there with 17 days to go. One day at a time, one pound at a time- Fataholics anonymous.

I am reading Ariel by Sylvia Plath right now and find it intense, intelligent and a little macabre.  She wrote several poems everyday before her death by suicide in 1963, according to Robert Lowell, who wrote the forward for the book.  As I read, I see she had a masterful way with words that express her pain beautifully and concisely.  Expressing and facing pain through poetry is a great way to become purged of it, especially when you're going through challenging periods of your life.  She, however, appears to have had no intention of becoming free of it but instead, seems surrendered to it from the get-go as if taking her own life was already a by-gone conclusion.  Anyway, I feel for her suffering and pray she is in a better place right now.  As for me, I am expanding my influences beyond all the lyric writing that I was brought up on and Plath's Ariel has been a great place to start.  

I threw the I-Ching yesterday for the first time in several years and remembered how I really liked it.  It is a conservative and somewhat eccentric oracle that sometimes seems a little more tight-lipped than my sometime impetuous personality.  Still, it strives to enlighten the user and make he or she a better human being.  I do think it stresses society a little too much for my comfort as I am strongly independent-minded and don't give much of a rat's ass about what society thinks about me.  Still, as a divination tool, it gives one insight about what kind of energies one will be dealing with in life and you can't ask for much more than that from an oracle, in my humble opinion.

Saturn's Interesting and Intense Influence

I feel very much in limbo these days as I await word on whether or not I will be accepted into UF's Journalism College.  I think I am psychologically prepared for either outcome.  If I get in, I will take it as a great opportunity to learn and hopefully have some semblance of a career soon.  When I went back to school two years ago, I was well aware that I could have started a free-lance writing career without a degree but I didn't think I was ready.  Now, that I have sharpened my skills a bit and have written practically everyday since the summer of 2006, I feel much more qualified to get the ball rolling.  Still, I would like more training.  A big difficulty during my schooling thus far has been lack of money.  Although I plan to work all summer, part of me wouldn't be so unhappy not to get into UF in the fall because then I could work even longer and get myself more set financially.  In such a scenario, I theoretically could get into a program in the Spring of 2010 with much less anxiety.  Whatever the case, as I said, I am psychologically prepared to focus on the positive of either outcome.  I will see whatever happens as Krishna's arrangement.

As of late, I have been going through a rather interesting but trying astrological transit. Interesting from the point of view for me as the astrologer but trying from the point of view as me the person.  However I see it externally, I ultimately see it more deeply as being good for me.  You see, I was born with a direct oppositional mutual aspect of Mercury, which is my ascendant lord, and the Moon.  In my birth chart, I am Virgo rising, with my rising lord Mercury at 24 degrees Leo and my Moon at 24 degrees in Aquarius.  I think this, more than anything else, has given me both proclivity in astrology as well as writing.  It has also made me kind of witty (if I do boast myself) and quick with the sometimes stupid or not so stupid joke.  As the Moon rules the mind and Mercury rules the intelligence, I am keenly aware of my thinking, feeling and willing processes and the role the intelligence plays (or should play) in directing the mind.  I am also very in touch with my subconscious through dreams and it has given me, to some extent, some intuitive and psychic prowess, as well as the ability to read people.  I can tell a lot about a person the first time I meet them.  As the saying goes, the cover sometimes makes the book or the expression on the face shows the index of the mind.  These things I have come to accept over time as good things but one of the pitfalls of the transit is I feel things way too deeply for my own personal comfort and I over-analyze things and thus think way too much.  I am also ultra-sensitive to what others are thinking and feel a little overwhelmed being in crowds sometimes.  Often, when I am doing readings, I can get burnt out by other people's psychic movements.

Now, it just so happens that the old hard-lesson-teacher Saturn himself, has been camping out over my ascendant degree, and directly aspecting my Moon for the last couple of months.  Not only that, but he seems to plan to stay a while longer.  Now, I am well acquainted with Saturn, as I have the planet in the same sign as my Moon in my birth chart and in a good place sign-wise in  Aquarius.  Aquarius is considered to be  Saturn's own sign and thus it tends to work well there.  It also happens to be exactly across from my Sun in my natal chart which is a heavy influence unto itself.  In short, I have learned a lot from Saturn and have experienced his teachings in the form of loss.  I have also acquired some of its better qualities through sheer association.  As a result, I have always been keenly aware of the miseries of life and have often felt compassionately for the suffering of others.  As my Moon is in Aquarius, I probably have not shown myself to be in that consciousness as far as others have observed, though.

Whatever the case, and please excuse my rambling, this current state of transiting Saturn has really hit on a number of my nerves.  Rather than feel depressed by Saturn's influence, I feel on some levels energized by embracing the intense mental austerity and on the precipice of positive change. It has made me peer into the fabric of life in such a penetrating fashion that I have become almost stymied or paralyzed by introspective analysis.  I am not getting much sleep and any time I am alone I gravitate toward peeling away the layers of my life and witnessing the utter rawness of my existence and other's as well.  Thankfully, Venus has been aspecting my ascendant during this process which has helped to considerably soften the blow. Because of this, the kindness and smiling faces of others, have made the whole ordeal bearable.  

Although, I am generally one to analyze something quickly and make a swift decision, I have begun to seriously question my life's direction and have become open for some much needed fine-tuning.  At the same time, I have felt over-burdened with an immense work and responsibility load (as is often the case with a Saturn transit) and find myself yearning the freedom to break out of the shackles that confine the real expression of the spirit soul in the material world.  In other words, I have become extremely sensitive to my own personal limitations and have received clues as how to free myself from them.  Most people live their lives wearing various masks which they think will somehow protect them from the threats of the outside world.  It is my realization that these masks, rather than protect us,  just make us phony and keep us from expressing our true selves free from the encumbrances of outside conditional pressure and expectations.  As a result, we settle for less and further entangle ourselves in a life of unnecessarily jumping through senseless hoops for others.  We end of leading lives that others want us to lead instead of what is good for us.  This does not help them and it sure doesn't help us as individuals.  I have felt rather isolated in this struggle, save and except for a few kindred souls, but have kept a positive attitude that I will come out of it a stronger, as well as a more creative and dynamic person.  In short, I want to break free of the endless cesspool of excrement and live a more honest and true to myself life.  Only in that state of consciousness will I be able to be creative in such a way to touch other's lives.  During this process, I don't really care too much what anyone else thinks, either.

Eat This or That, Grow Thin or Fat, Never Mind I Wouldn't Do That, I'm Fat Enough Now

Sorry to bore you with more weight loss stuff but I've had some realizations.  Okay, I started at 249 and I'm now at 215, which means I've lost 34 pounds.  Hooray.  But when someone took some pictures of me yesterday, I looked at them and thought, "Boy, I am still fat."  Does this reaction mean that I am not satisfied with my body and trying to come up to some ridiculous standard?  Well, the answer is yes- I am not satisfied with the state of my body and the answer is no- I am not trying to come up to some ridiculous standard.  I was just so far out there that it is taking sometime to get back to where I should be.  In reality, I was ridiculously fat and just because I've lost a good amount of weight doesn't mean I'm no longer fat.  It just means I'm less fat.  While I'm encouraged that I have been able to lose what I have, I am not satisfied.  Why? Because I'm still fat and I don't want to be fat.  

According to standard calculations, someone who is my height and age should really weigh no more than 169 pounds if they want to minimize health risks.  Well, that sounds about right to me because according to my estimation, I thought it would be nice to get down to at least 165 pounds when I first started my regimen.  If that is indeed my target weight, then the implication is I have 34 pounds down and 50 pounds left to go.  According to those numbers, I'm only 40 percent of the way there.  Now 34 pounds is  a lot of weight to have lost and I am happy and grateful about it.  Also, I appreciate the encouragement and support I have received from others.  When someone notices I have lost some weight, I can't help but cheer up a little. But the fact remains, if I really want to get down to an acceptable level, not only to my standards but what the general charts say, I will have to keep working at it for a long time.  After that, I will have to continue to monitor myself as not to undo all the hard work.  It's not going to be "Yippie, now please double-cheese the pizza," or anything close to that.

One of the reasons I think I can do it is because I have taken on a lifestyle where I am mostly mentally satisfied.  I am not really depriving myself.  I do have hunger attacks but I eat pretty much what I want to, I just eat less, I don't eat at night, and I exercise every day.  That's it. Also, I've been doing it long enough now that I feel it is becoming a habit.  Good habits are just as addictive as bad habits.  I'm just so used to be addicted to bad habits that being addicted to a good habit is feeling a little strange right about now.

I'm going to be doing some hard traveling in the summer with a very nice guy who happens to be an avid eater.  That is going to be quite a test.  I think I will be able to get through the travels with determination.  I will be able to hit the treadmill everyday at the hotel and hopefully do some other weight exercises to keep my body strong and in tone.  While i can't expect to lose weight at the same clip as when I was at home, if I set a target to at least lose something modest, I will deem the trip a success from the health standpoint.  May through August is going to be a long time but I am sure I will be okay if I stay sincere and keep up the good habits.

Still Fighting the Good Fight

For those of you (like me) who have been waiting for me to fall off the wagon- the breaking news is I haven't done it yet.  Over the last week I have lost another two pounds and am now down to 216 (that's 33 pounds vanished back into the totality of the material energy not including my body).  It is getting harder now.  I went through the 220's relatively fast but it feels like I have now entered into the vast intermediate zone.  I could get complacent now but I feel determined not to.  Besides the regular cardio-activity, the anaerobic regimen has worked like a charm.  I highly recommend it to anyone.  I started the weight-lifting on February 16, and now after a little more than a month-and-a-half I have gotten to the point of being open to going to the beach and walking around without my shirt on.  I feel I am now somewhat presentable and no longer the Blubber-man-Gargs that I once was.  Besides losing the weight, the weight-lifting has toned my body after only 15 total sessions.  To get an idea of how I've progressed, I will submit a little chart below reflecting each anaerobic exercise, the date I started it, the weight I started at and how much I am lifting now.  Each weight represents about 12 to 18 repetitions per session.  All those repetitions takes about one minute to complete:

Leg Extension-  start date: 2/16, starting weight: 80 pounds, present weight: 170 pounds

Leg Curl- start date: 2/16, starting weight: 80 pounds, present weight: 202 pounds

Pullover-  start date: 2/16, starting weight: 60 pounds, present weight: 106 pounds

Arm Cross-  start date:  2/16, starting weight: 60 pounds, present weight: 128 pounds

Chest Press- start date: 2/16, starting weight: 80 pounds, present weight: 146 pounds

Lateral Raise- start date: 2/16, starting weight: 60 pounds, present weight: 80 pounds

Overhead Press- start date: 2/16, starting weight: 100 pounds, present weight: 122 pounds

Bicep- start date: 2/16, starting weight: 80 pounds, present weight: 104 pounds

Tricep- start date: 2/16, starting weight: 60 pounds, present weight: 96 pounds

Ab Isolator- start date: 2/21, starting weight: 46 pounds, present weight 92 pounds

Torso Rotation- start date: 2/21, starting weight: 46 pounds, present weight: 124 pounds

Lumbar Strength- start date: 2/24, starting weight: 60 pounds, present weight: 158 pounds

I know this is not a huge amount of weight to lift for a grown man but you have to consider that although I excelled in sports as a teenager, I was also pretty much a nine-stone weakling with knobbily knees, as the Kink's song goes.  At the same time, I don't want to end up resembling one of those torqued-out bug-eyed freaks of nature cranked up on testosterone who look like someone stuck a knife in their back and kept twisting until they had a really bad attitude and a real scary look.  Anyway, the results have been coming for me including improved tone, posture, strength, speed, endurance, digestion, fat-burning etc, etc.  

The regular lifting along with the regular cardio and watching what I eat has been working well for me thus far and I see no reason to change anything.  I do want to add some stretching at some point, though.    A lot of  fat has fallen off my face, and mid section.  My chest has held onto the disgusting stuff the longest.  The two key words for me are patience and enthusiasm.  I have to keep it up.

Shyam's knee cap popped out during soccer practice on Thursday and then quickly popped back into place.  A similar thing happened to him when he was a sophomore in high school. I brought him to a specialist then who found no structural damage and he was out playing a game two days later.  It took about two weeks for him to get back to full strength.  Hopefully, this latest mishap, a little more than three years later, will also heal quickly and not be any kind of tear in his ligaments.

Radha and I went to the Santa Fe Art Show yesterday and I was impressed with a lot of the work.  Vrn had a painting on display which I thought was very good.  Leela also had one featured in the show as well.  I'm surrounded by artists- my brother is a great artist, my nephew Kavi is good, as is Shyam and Radha.  I pretty much suck but I would like to get into it just as therapy.  In the mean time, I have been reading a lot of poetry and will try to incorporate some new styles into my own endeavors.  

Wednesday at the downtown farmer's market, I  ran into Tulasi-priya and she suggested a writer's group as well as a poetry reading group I could go to regularly.  I am interested but think it will have to wait for the fall when my traveling is done. I hung out for about three hours with A.V. there and it was fun.  He was selling herbs and I helped him out a little and talked to some of the customers. It felt almost like I had a store again.

Mike Viola Sings for Radha

During the Mike Viola concert that we saw in Jupiter on Saturday night, Viola asked Radha what her name was.  After about a minute of getting her name straight, he improvised a song about her which turned out to be both catchy and pretty funny.  Somebody taped it and the next day it appeared on Youtube-  "Oooo, I almost forgot her/ Oooo, I almost forgot her/ Oooo, I almost forgot her/ That girl, that girl, Radha."  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPlvN4t0dK0)

On the way there we almost crashed the rental van.  The traffic stopped in front of us and Keshi didn't notice as he was looking in the rear view mirror.  "Keshi!" I yelled and he slammed on the brakes.  The van swayed from side to side but the anti-lock brakes worked very well.  The way back was dangerous too, as we got caught in a serious storm on I-75 somewhere around Wildwood.  The lightning was frequent, intense and spectacular.  The downpour was as heavy as I've seen it in years.  Keshi just drove right through it.  I may have stopped if I was driving but it was really late and would have delayed us even more.  We got home after 4 a.m. as it was.  Of course, it's better to get home later than not get home at all.  There was no hail or exceedingly heavy winds, so fortunately we all got home in one piece, or in six individual pieces, that is.

It was a fun outing with Keshi, Mark, Kavi, Radha, Vrn and I.  We all had fun and pretty good chemistry.  Keshi and I taking turns playing songs on the car stereo, Radha and Vrn laughing in the middle (especially Vrn), Kavi continually trying to hear what was being said in front of him and Mark looking like a young Roy Orbison in the far back with his serious face and dark sunglasses.  Shyam was going to go but decided at the last minute to stay home.  After we left, he drew the Ten of Swords about our trip and called a few times to see if we were all right.  

Mike Viola and the girl he was playing with, Kelly Jones, signed autographs after the show and were very appreciative that we came all the way down there.  Viola patted Keshi on the back as he walked off for intermission and then shook his hand after the show.  My brother was in some sort of ecstasy.  We had front row seats and really enjoyed the performance by one of the most talented but unheralded swinger-songwriters out there.  Not that he's short of accolades.  He has written with Adam Schlesinger's Fountains of Wayne and formed the critically-acclaimed power-pop groups The Candy Butchers and The Major Labels.  He also performed the song "That Thing You Do" for Tom Hanks movie of the same name in 1996, which was nominated for both an Oscar and Golden Globe award.  In 2007, he wrote and performed the soundtrack for the movie Walk Hard- The Dewey Long Story.  He also produced and co-wrote Kelly Jones's new CD "She-Bang," who performed along side him at the show.  His new solo CD is called Lurch and I highly recommend it.  Personally, my favorite song by him is a song he performed under the moniker of the Candy Butchers called "She's Knows What to Do With Michael."  

Mike and Kelly had great chemistry and the show was so good I would consider seeing them again if I get the chance.  I want to see some concerts during my travels this summer.  I don't know if Dhrits, my traveling partner will be into it, so I may have to slip away from him sometimes.

Why Criticize?

This morning I crossed another milestone- this material body is now under 220; 218.5 to be exact.  I have now lost over 30 pounds as I weighed in at 249 to begin with.  When I was in the gym yesterday, one of the gossip programs had a little segment about Valerie Bertinelli.  Apparently, some women are up in arms that she now looks great after her diet and regimen and posed in a small bikini at age 47. They showed pictures and she really does look good.  The controversial case was built around the fact that they found some quote of hers from two years ago that she would never pose in a bikini.  They were almost acting like she should be prosecuted.  Perhaps she changed her mind. Has anyone ever thought of that?  People do it all the time.  Men claim women do it a lot but they still love them nonetheless.  Some people also claimed she did it just to get in those Jenny Craig commercials.  If that's so, even to an extent, then I say who cares?  So, she made a little moo-lah on the side.  I say, good for her.  If the end result is she's healthier and happier with her self-image, is that really causing a load of damage?

Now, someone may say that Valerie doesn't represent what real people look like.  That she is causing young girls to be anorexic or not eat a balanced and nutritious diet.  First of all, I would agree that Valerie doesn't represent what real people look like, especially at 47.  You know why?  Because she fucking worked hard at it and most people are too lazy or convince themselves they don't have the time.  I say why should she be criticized for working hard and getting good results?  As far as the anorexia thing or bulimia goes, I obviously agree that people should eat a healthy and balanced diet.  One mistake that Americans often make, though, is thinking that they have to consume gigantic quantities of food in order to get their nutrition.  In reality, Americans eat way too much.  They are the fattest people in the world by far.  As George Carlin said, "They are gargantuan." Well, for myself, I plan on keeping my name Gargs, but losing that part of the definition.  Besides, study after study has shown that when a person consumes less daily calories they are healthier and live longer.  Smaller portions.  What a concept.  It sounds just like Europe.  If you're very young, that's one thing.  But once you get past 30, if you don't change your ways, it's only a matter of time before it catches up with you and grows and grows and grows over time.

A more pertinent question for me was how did she do it?  Well, that's what they told us next.  First of all, she regularly hit the treadmill, at least five times a week for 45 minutes a session.  "Hey, that's cool," I thought.  "I am already doing that, except that I go for an hour."  Another thing she does is weight train every other day.  Check for me also.  Then finally, she limits her dietary intake to about 1200 calories per day.  I'm also doing the same.  At first, I didn't think I could do that part, but I just make sure I eat healthy and my stomach has shrunk.  I still have cravings but nothing like I used to have.  My appetite was formally insatiable but now I get satisfied quicker.  I get satisfied faster but I eat slower.  I'm no longer like some hyper hound wolfing down my food after a day running around in the yard.  After the segment was over I was pleasantly surprised that what worked for Valerie Bertinelli is working for me.  Let's see, eating less, cardio and weight training on a consistence basis.  Doesn't seem like such a mystery to me.  It's hard work but it works and over time you develop a taste for it. And there are many fringe benefits besides better health.  I can fit into the old shirts now.  Looking better is not a bad benefit either.  People try to make it sound like it's not spiritual or something.  That's bullshit.  I say it could be much less spiritual to be a fat slob.  Some people get fat because they don't want the opposite sex after them.  How about losing the weight and being mentally strong instead of becoming a blob.  Such a solution is much worse than the problem.  I took my shirt off this morning and am actually seeing some definition appearing in my abs.  I don't care if people say it's not spiritual or whatever.  I am happy about it.  It appears the Homer Simpson look is saying goodbye for good.

While saying all this, I don't believe that there is anything that can be objectively called an ideal weight.  My philosophy is to each his or her own.  If you're happy with your weight then go with it.  If someone else calls you fat or too skinny, it shouldn't bother you.  It's not a good idea to live our lives according to pictures in magazines, unless of course we want to.  It is not all black and white, it is not all bad or good.  We should be independently thinking intelligent people who make informed choices for ourselves and don't criticize choices other people make because it threatens or pressures us in some way.  The pressure is only in our own minds.  We should work on ourselves instead of lashing out at others.  As far as I'm concerned, the more diversity in the world the better.  It makes things so much more interesting.  The main thing is to ultimately remember we are not our bodies as we wear different types of dress while living in the material world.