It's Very Safe Riding With Me- Even When I Multi-Task

 

 

As I was driving home last night from Miami at rather high speeds, I was thinking.  You know,  I'm one of those guys who is against texting and driving for other people but think it is okay for myself.  Call me arrogant, puffed-up, overly sure of myself or whatever, but I just can't help myself.  My mind is way too restless and I am very confident that I am quite capable of doing it without any ill results.  I also Facebook, eat, talk on the phone, floss my teeth (not really) and even occasionally read (really, but very very carefully).  Sometimes I drive with my knees, so my hands are free for other important tasks, like air guitar or some other such imperative activity while listening to music at very high volumes.  Sometimes, I may close my eyes (for the shortest amount of time) to get into the lyrics more.  The lyrics are very important to me.

Once in a while, I even sleep with one eye shut and the other one as much as half-opened.  I only do this because I've heard how rest is so important for your health and I'm all about that.  I'd say I've easily driven at least one million miles in my life and still have not caused even one incident, what to speak of an accident.  Don't say that there's always a first time because that is one of the most inaccurate cliches of all time.  Is there always a first time to get Aids? How about skiing through a revolving door?  No.  You know why?  Because not everyone gets Aids or  skis through a revolving door in their lifetime- that's why.  Besides, for me, driving for five hours or more at a time just seems like a big waste of time if I am not allowed to multi-task.  

Now that we have that out of the way, I don't want to see you doing any of the things that I do.  And I sternly warn you, if I see you doing it, I'll probably call the police on you.  You know why?  Because I don't trust that you're capable of it, and I'm very concerned with other people's safety.  Sure, I myself may wander off the road once in a while, but I have the reflexes of a cat and probably twice as many lives as one.  I have absolutely no proof that you do, though.  So don't ever say that you are willing to take over the driving while I get rest.  Do you really think I would be able to sleep with you at the wheel?  You, who are so lacking in confidence to multi-task while you're driving?  No way Jose.  I feel much safer with myself at the controls, thank you very much.

In fact, it's really so safe riding with me at the wheel, that I don't think there's any need to ever wear your seatbelt.  I would advise you to, though, just in case there's a blue moon out that night and six or seven cars simultaneously make a mistake, and I'm only able to dodge all but one of them.  But don't worry, as you have probably surmised by now, I'm also a prudent guy and safety is definitely a serious issue for me.